Household Cleaning Tips and Seinfeld

This post comes to you courtesy of my darling daughter, who spilled a cup of coffee on our carpet. As it turns out, the coffee stain was amazingly responsive to the following removal recipe:

1. Blot the area with a clean, white cloth to absorb all the liquid you can.
2. Mix 1 teaspoon clear, mild liquid dish washing detergent with 1 cup lukewarm water.
3. Sponge the area with the detergent solution. Blot again with a clean, white cloth.
4. Mix 1/3 cup white vinegar with 2/3 cup lukewarm water.
5. Sponge the area with the vinegar solution. Blot with a clean, white cloth.
6. Sponge the area with clean water. Blot with a clean, white cloth.

What does this have to do with Seinfeld, you ask? Well, let's just say that you don't necessarily have to risk brainwashing by Sunshine Carpet Cleaners to get rid of a little coffee stain:

Episode 114 - The Checks

GEORGE: (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners
EXECUTIVE 1: Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry Seinfield.

Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other carpet cleaners. George looks stunned.

GEORGE: Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
WILHELM: I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, one day, we will do the cleaning.

George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader.

GEORGE: (with incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I don't have?!

The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.'

GEORGE: (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
WILHELM: Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya.

George purses his lips.

EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series.

The second executive shakes her head.

Apply Now For Public Urination Passes

Today's post is brought to you by our local newspaper, reporting on an essential piece of legislation for our fair city:

http://postgazette.com/pg/09252/996673-100.stm

Expected to lobby vigorously against the proposal are Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza, citing the very real risk of an outbreak of Uromysitisis poisoning if this bill is passed:

Episode 23 - The Parking Garage

Jerry has just been arrested for public urination

JERRY I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SECURITY GUARD Well you're still not allowed.
JERRY Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
SECURITY GUARD That's up to you.
JERRY So you don't care if I die.
SECURITY GUARD What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
JERRY It was life and death.
SECURITY GUARD Uh huh.
JERRY Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SECURITY GUARD I don't know.
JERRY Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.

This Week With Schmoopy

Here's a piece of first class Seinfeld trivia. George Stephanopoulos, ABC News' Chief Washington Correspondent and host of "This Week with George Stephanopoulos," is married to Alexandra Wentworth. Who is Alexandra Wentworth, you might ask? She is the actress who played Jerry's girlfriend Sheila, aka Schmoopy, in "The Soup Nazi." And since it wasn't entirely clear to George and Elaine exactly who Schmoopy was (Jerry or Sheila, or perhaps both), one could make a legitimate case for calling Mr. Stephanopoulos "Schmoopy". As a matter of fact, I think it would actually make for a much more spirited discussion during the round table if George Will and Sam Donaldson were allowed to address the host as "Schmoopy."

Episode 116 - The Soup Nazi

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?
ELAINE: Oh, I know! It is awful!
GEORGE: Why do they have to do that in front of people?
ELAINE: I don't know.
GEORGE: What is that with the shmoopy?
ELAINE: Ohh!
GEORGE: The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy!
ELAINE: Oh! Stop it! I know.
GEORGE: I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is actually called shmoopy.

No Soup For Me!

Tragic news - it appears as if the Original Soupman franchise in downtown Pittsburgh has closed. I was downtown today on an errand and was looking forward to some delicious soup, when I found that the door to Original Soupman was locked and there was a sign on the door that said, "Trucking Co. problems have caused a shortage of inventory forcing us to close until we receive a shipment." From past experience, I could tell that the sign was bogus and that the store was permanently closed. By the way, what is the purpose of witholding the truth about a store or restaurant closing? Don't tell us you're closed for renovations or you're waiting for a shipment or some other nonsense. Just tell the truth - that you failed miserably in your feeble attempt to become a successful entrepreneur. In fact, this should be what the sign says on the door: "Closed Forever - Failed Miserably"

Anyway, here is my tribute to the pathetic Pittsburgh Soup Nazi, who has evidently fled to Argentina. Who knows, maybe someone disclosed all of his recipes!

Episode 116 - The Soup Nazi

NEWMAN: Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!
JERRY: Wha - wha - what's the matter?
NEWMAN: Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more soup for any of us!
JERRY: Well, where are you going?
NEWMAN: He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot!

Seinfeld For Lunch

I just can't escape Seinfeld references, especially when it comes to food. Today I was checking out some places to eat lunch near my new office. Bistro #1 was a nice deli but what caught my eye on their menu was the "Original Black & White Cookie" for $1.95. Bistro #2 was a nice little Italian place featuring some terrific sounding calzones. Except for some reason they did not list one with eggplant!

Episode 130 - The Calzone

Mr. Steinbrenner: Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It looks pretty tasty .
George : It's a calzone , sir .
Mr. Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?
George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .
Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay, let's get back to business . Okay, here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent . Excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay, a little jealous now . Okay, lets go . Okay, last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good . Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza, get me a couple of those calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone. Must have one . Everybody out . Out .

Why Didn't I Think Of That?

As most of you know, this has been a big year for Pittsburgh, with a Super Bowl win, a Stanley Cup win, and the distinction of being the host city for the G-20 Conference. I recently learned of yet another honor when I was rounding on a patient in the ICU who became ill while attending the national MENSA meeting being held in our fair city at the Omni William Penn Hotel. MENSA, for those of you who don't know, is a global social club for people with high IQ's. I read an article in the Pittsburgh City Paper about the meeting (http://www.pittsburghcitypaper.ws/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A65615), in which I learned that Mensans have great sense of self-deprecating humor (their motto for next year's convention to be held in Detroit, Michigan is "What genius picked Detroit?"), and they are very practical when it comes to solving socially awkward sitiuations. As I mentioned in my post from May 29, there has been a hugging epidemic that has been causing much consternation in our secondary school system. Well, the Mensans actually have a "hugging code," a little sticker stuck on the members' badges to signal whether they want a hug. Green means "hug me," yellow signals hugs-by-permission, and red is a request for personal space.

What a great idea! This might have prevented Jerry's predicament in the following episode:

Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello

Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and closes for a kiss hello.
MAR: Hi Jerry.
JERRY: Hi Mary.
Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against the mailboxes.
JERRY: Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal....
Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.
JERRY: ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry.
The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and aiming for the kiss hello.
LOU: Hi Jerry.
JERRY: Hi Louise...
Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss.
JERRY: ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss hello thing anymore.(continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry.
Jerry backs into the elevator.
JERRY: (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.

Today's Pols Emulate George Costanza, Not Washington

David Brooks column in the NYT from 7/7/09 is a must read:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/opinion/07brooks.html?_r=1

In it, he bemoans the lack of dignity displayed by today's politicians (with the exception of the President). What he fails to mention is that the start of this trend can be traced to one George Costanza, who so eloquently admitted this character flaw back in the early 90's:

Episode 63 - The Pilot (Part 1)

GEORGE: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip)
JERRY: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
GEORGE: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?