Eating Tuna Fish and Thinking About Seinfeld

It's absolutely amazing how many Seinfeld episodes deal with food. The writers are obsessed with references to fruit, candy, baked goods, and of course, cereal. Anyway, I was having some delicious tuna salad at the posh Bedford Springs resort yesterday and I thought I detected a hint of dill, or maybe it was tarragon.

Episode 42 - The Trip (2)

Jerry and Kramer are having a very serious conversation and George can only think about his sandwich:

Kramer: You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...
Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered!
Kramer: Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
George: As a suspect in a serial killing.
Kramer: Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
George: What did they put in this tuna? Tastes like dill, I think it's dill.
Jerry: So you're not gonna come back to New York with us?
Kramer: No no. I'm not ready, things are starting to happen.
George: Taste this, is this dill?
Jerry: No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.
Kramer: OK, it's forgotten.
George: Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy.
Jerry: Well, take it easy.
Kramer: Yeah, OK.
George: Yeah, take care. Stay in touch.
Kramer: Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...
Jerry: Oh, no...
George: No, you're crushing my sandwich.

All About Turkey

You might think that today's Seinfeld moment would be all about Festivus, but if you did you would be wrong. Today's Seinfeld moment hit me when I was washing down my delicious turkey dinner with some fine Sauvignon Blanc and nearly passed out. When I regained my faculties, I was reminded of the following episode in which Jerry and George were trying to drug Jerry's girlfriend Celia so they could play with her toy collection:

Episode 162 - The Merv Griffin Show

GEORGE: More wine and turkey?
(Pours Celia more wine.)
JERRY: So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought: ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.
CELIA: What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?
JERRY and GEORGE: Tryptophan.
JERRY: ... I think. Have some more wine.
CELIA: What video did you get?
JERRY: Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.
GEORGE: Four hours.
JERRY: More heavy gravy?
(Celia is sleeping.)

Life Changing Episode

Very few TV shows can cause one to change their eating habits for life, but a Seinfeld episode did exactly that to me, Grumpy Old Man. If you followed my previous blog, Pissed Off in Pittsburgh, you may recall my preoccupation with muffins, and the lack of an acceptable muffin eatery in our fair city. Anyway, ever since the following episode, I find that I always eat muffins using the technique recommended by Elaine Benes. However, I also eat the stump, but only after breaking off the top and eating that first. Just thought you'd like to know.

Episode 155 - the Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr Lippman: So you just eat the tops.
Elaine: Oh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing.

Salute to Bill Erwin

I always get a kick out of watching an old movie and identifying an actor playing a small role who also was in an episode of Seinfeld. Watching "Home Alone" for the umpteenth time last night I noticed that the husband of the elderly lady who gave her plane ticket to Catherine O'Hara at the Paris airport was none other than Bill Erwin, who brilliantly played Sid Fields in:

Episode 58 - The Old Man

Jerry: Mr. Fields?
Sid: What!?!
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
Sid: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?
Jerry: No, no, the--
Sid: Who let you in here?
Jerry: The woman, she--
Sid: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...

Suggestions to Interviewees

As I see groups of well-dressed interviewees around campus, I am reminded of George's interview skills. Just once, I would like to interview a residency applicant who would be unfailingly honest in his/her replies to questions. I have modified the following scene from Seinfeld to indicate my fantasy interview. (Dr. Shapiro is the Chief of our Department).

Episode 86: The Opposite

BOB: Why don't you tell me about some of your medical school experiences?
GEORGE: Alrighty. Ah ... my last rotation was in endocrinology... I uh got an "F" for having sex in an exam room with a patient.
BOB: Go on.
GEORGE: Ah, Alright, before that, I was in Obstetrics. I quit, because the Attending wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
BOB: Do you talk to everybody like this?
GEORGE: Of course.
BOB: My daughter told me you were different.
GEORGE: I am different, yeah.
BOB: I gotta tell ya, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. (gets out of his chair) Ah, Dr. Shapiro, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. (George gets up and goes over) This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the residency applicants.
DR. SHAPIRO: Nice to meet you.
GEORGE: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of Pittsburgh, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Department of Medicine and reduced it to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
DR. SHAPIRO: Hire this man!

Jeopardy Does It Again

For the second day in a row, Jeopardy gave me my Seinfeld moment. In Double Jeopardy, there was an entire category on famous architects. Curiously, George Castanza was not one of the "questions."

Episode 78: The Marine Biologist

See yesterday's post for background - George pretending to be a marine biologist may not be working out.

Jerry: I did it for you.
George: Yeah, but what did you have to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know with all due respect I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing.
George: Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.

George Would Have Been Proud

I got my Seinfeld moment today watching Jeopardy. I forget what the exact "answer" was, but the correct question was "what is plankton?" The contestant was probably thinking of the following Seinfeld episode when he incorrectly said "what is algae?"

Episode 78: The Marine Biologist

Jerry has previously been extolling George's virtues with Diane, an old high school classmate.

Jerry: Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression that you are a.....
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.
George: A marine biologist....why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
Jerry: I'm aware of that.
George: So?
Jerry: You don't think it's a good job.
George: I didn't think it was a job.
Jerry: Oh. It's a fascinating field!
George: What if she calls. What will I say?

(In George's parent's house...George is sitting in a chair. He is talking to Diane on the phone)

George: Algae, obviously plankton, I don't know what else I can tell you, Oh I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living with the turtles.

Toxic Xmas Card Envelopes?

This always goes through my mind as I'm sending out our Christmas cards.

Episode 134: The Invitations

George: So.....She's dead?
Doctor: Yes
George: ...Huh!
Doctor: Let me ask you ; Had she been exposed to any kind of inexpensive glue?
George: ...Why?
Doctor: We found traces of a certain toxic adhesive commonly found in very low priced envelopes.
George: Well she was sending out our wedding invitations.
Doctor: That's probably what did it.

Obit Omission

"Van Johnson, a film actor whose affable charm and boyish good looks helped turn him into a major Hollywood star during World War II, died Friday in Nyack, N.Y. He was 92." So read the obituary regarding Mr. Johnson in the New York Times. He was a major film star and had a rather lengthy obit, but I found it odd that at no time was it mentioned that Uncle Leo was evidently a big fan.

Episode 20: The Pen

Jerry, Elaine, Helen and Morty are greeting Uncle Leo and Aunt Stella at Morty's upcoming disastrous testimonial dinner. Jerry is wearing sunglasses to hide some periorbital bruising he sustained while scuba diving:

JERRY: Oh God. (foreseeing an arm grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella)
JERRY: (to Leo) Uncle Leo.
LEO: Hello!
STELLA: Morty are you nervous?
MORTY: What nervous?
LEO: (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson?
JERRY: I've got a black eye.

I Never Thought I'd See This

I actually saw a woman walking in the medical school today (in high heels no less!) who had a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe. Should I have told her about it? I did not, but I did think of this .....

Episode 41: The Trip (Part 1)

Jerry: How's it going?
George: Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate!
Jerry: You got toilet paper on your heel there.
George looks down, Jerry walks away.

Nice Name

I was getting a hot dog at Target today and I noticed that the server's name tag identified her as "Pam," a name that you don't see much these days, unless it's on a Seinfeld re-run.

Episode 136: The Soul Mate

Kramer and Jerry are discussing Jerry's current girlfriend.

JERRY: So, what's on your mind?
KRAMER: It's Pam.
JERRY: Pam? What about Pam?
KRAMER: I love her, Jerry!
JERRY: You what?
KRAMER: I love her!
JERRY: Is that right?
KRAMER: Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.
JERRY: What does that mean?
KRAMER: Oh, and that voice!
JERRY: What about her name?
KRAMER: Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. Pam. Pam. Pam!

Happens Every Day

This happens every day so I thought it warranted a post at least once. I was sipping a nice cup of hot chocolate today and found that I was making that satisfying "AHH" sound that Elaine found so objectionable in an old college classmate.

Episode 73: The Masseuse

ELAINE: I gotta tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex.
JOEL: Bad association?
ELAINE: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to drop the class.

How Did Ben Start His Post-Game Talk With Terence?

The play that awoke Pittsburgh from its offensive slumber came on third-and-16 late in the third quarter. Santonio Holmes took off down the sideline, got behind cornerback Terence Newman and caught a beautiful throw from Roethlisberger for 47 yards.

"I talked to Newman afterward," Roethlisberger said. "He was sitting on everything all night. I kind of gave him a quick little pump fake, then just chunked it up for 'Tone. He ran under it and made a heck of a play."

Mallzheimer's

I heard this term for the first time while listening to "Car Talk" on NPR this morning. It's when you can't remember where you parked at the mall. My mind immediately flashed to the following Seinfeld episode:

Episode 23: The Parking Garage

GEORGE Where the hell is this car, Kramer?
KRAMER It's got to be here.
ELAINE Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.
JERRY Maybe it's not on this level.
GEORGE What?
JERRY There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
ELAINE It felt like a couple of levels.
JERRY You should always carry a pad and pen.
GEORGE I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

I Want That Free Coffee

This morning I was getting my coffee card punched at Jazzman's Cafe and I couldn't help thinking of a Seinfeld episode that pointed out the ludicrous nature of this entire exercise:

Episode 166: The Strike

At the coffee shop:

ELAINE: (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.
JERRY: "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?
ELAINE: I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. Twenty-four stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.
JERRY: What does that mean?
ELAINE: (Embarrassed) Free sub.

Later:

ELAINE: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!
JERRY: So?
ELAINE: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
JERRY: No, you walk out.
ELAINE: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
JERRY: No, you wait for the movie!
ELAINE: (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.

Overheard Today

I was waiting for my car to get serviced today and overheard this conversation between an elderly gentleman and a young woman with a baby in a stroller:

Gentleman: "Cute baby. By the way, how long have you been married?"
Young woman: "Three years."

That made me think of Jerry's great advice to a friend of his whose marriage was on the rocks:

Episode 133: The Wait Out

BETH: Well it wasn't just that. I realized after 3 years of marriage that David's little quirks were getting on my nerves a little.

JERRY: (agreeing) Well three years is a long time to be married.

All In the Family

For the second day in a row, I have to thank a family member for the Seinfeld moment of the day. This one comes courtesy of my daughter, who texted me today to alert me that her corduroy pants were making a noticeable swishing sound when she walked. Thank goodness she wasn't on a job interview!

Eipsode 79 - The Pie

(George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his fingers)

JERRY: Georgio! Nice duds!
GEORGE: You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think?
JERRY: Did you hear something?
ELAINE: Yeah, like a swoosh.
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between your thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound.
(George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again)
GEORGE: I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!
JERRY: So what? What would they care?
GEORGE: This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.
JERRY: So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise?
GEORGE: Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm swooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire?

My Wife as George

Today's post was inspired by my wife, who was trying to think of an excuse so we wouldn't have to attend a Christmas party we were invited to. I won't give up any details, but the excuse she came up with rivaled anything that George Castanza could have come up with! It made me think of the following exchange, where Jerry is trying to beat a lie detector test.

Episode 102 - The Beard

Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?
Jerry: Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?

followed by this exchange:

Jerry: So George, how do I beat this lie detector?
George: I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it.

Babu's Curse

I was watching this extremely erudite discussion on Fareed Zakaria's show on CNN today. He was discussing the terrible situation in Mumbai with an expert on Indian-Pakistani relations by the name of Ashley Tellis. Both Tellis and Zakaria are from India and have accents that are eerily similar to those of Babu Bhatt and his friend back in Pakistan. So naturally my mind starts to drift to this consversation:

Episode 55 - The Visa

Babu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in Pakistan.

Babu: So his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then he came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels were in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent me back here.

Babu's Friend: This is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do?

Babu: I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.

New Blog (Old one was lame)

Having received some criticism regarding the lameness of my last blog (Pissed Off In Pittsburgh), I have endeavored to launch another blog with an entirely different focus. However, I was beginning to have second thoughts as I was standing in line this morning at the supermarket self-checkout line behind some moron who was letting her little kid scan the merchandise like it was playtime and taking forever to do so. But, I thought, let it go, your blogging future lies elsewhere.

Anyway, this blog is easy for me but lurkers should be forewarned that it is only suitable for Sienfeld aficionados. The premise is simple. Every day of my life, without fail, something happens to me that reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. This blog will simply document these episodes and provide a suitable citation from the original Seinfeld script.

Today I was making rounds in the hospital and I was presented with a new admission with the surname of O'Brien. His mental status was on the stuporous side, and I was envisioning him suddenly awakening from his coma shouting "I am not O'Brien, I am not O'Brien."

From episode 36, The Limo:

Cut to George in front of a news camera, the on screen graphic says 'DONALD O'BRIEN Leader of the Aryan Union'.
George: I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien! I'm not O'Brien! Ask anyone! Jerry?! Jerry?!!