OK, what shampoo brand name is specifically mentioned in a Seinfeld episode? The answer occurred to me while I was using one of those little sample shampoo bottles while taking a shower at the Wilkes-Barre Fairfield Inn. This passage is taken from a scene which recaptures Cyrano de Bergerac, as Kramer is trying to woo Jerry's girlfriend Pam with assistance from the poetic musings of a concealed Newman.
Episode 136 - The Soul Mate
PAM: Oh, hi Kramer!
NEWMAN (whispers through the bookcase): Hi. How are you?
KRAMER: Hi. How are you?
PAM: I'm great.
NEWMAN: I too am well.
KRAMER: I too am well.
NEWMAN: Do I smell Pantene?
KRAMER: Do I smell?
NEWMAN: Pantene!
KRAMER: Uh, Pantene.
PAM: Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail.
KRAMER (talks rapidly in an attempt to keep up with Newman): Well, there really is no junk mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...
NEWMAN (frantic): ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards...
KRAMER: Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.)
PAM: What?
KRAMER: Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance.
PAM: That's so true.
KRAMER: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
NEWMAN: Shell.
KRAMER: ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
PAM: Kramer, that is so lovely.
KRAMER: It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.
PAM: Oh, what's his name?
KRAMER: Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
They Should Sell Mangos at Sephora, Too
I have to go to Sephora about twice a year to get Clinique Clarifying Lotion (whatever that is) for my wife. I think I may start going more often because it's a source of some great blog material. The last time I was there they asked me if I wanted to join their rewards program, which they call "Beauty Insider". I politely declined the offer while explaining that I considered myself to be more of a Beauty Outsider.
Anyway, today's trip was fairly uneventful until I noticed, and I'm not making this up, that they have an Orgasm line of some type of beauty product. I think it was make-up, but I at that point I was laughing too hard and too embarrassed to really pursue the nature of this particular product any further.
Immediately I was reminded of Seinfeld (quotation to follow), but for those of you who are a little older and recall Woody Allen's seminal work "Bananas", here is a passage from that movie where the protagonist, the inveterate loser Fielding Mellish, is purchasing some magazines. He is really interested in the pornographic variety, but tries to hide this amongst some more highbrow periodicals. Unfortunately, the sales clerk is his undoing:
FIELDING: Get a copy of Time Magazine and l think l'll take Commentary and the Saturday Review. And... let's see, Newsweek. l'll just... grab one of these (picking up a copy of Orgasm magazine). Take 'em all.
SALES CLERK: Fifty, a dollar, dollar and a quarter... (loudly, so that everyone in the store can hear) Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of Orgasm?
FIELDING: (in a panic that everyone will hear) Just put 'em in a bag, will you?
SALES CLERK: (even louder than before) What? Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?
FIELDING: (grabbing his magazines) Doing a sociological study on perversion. l'm up to advanced child molesting.
And now for your Seinfeld reference:
Epsiode 65 - The Mango
GEORGE: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'
JERRY: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
GEORGE: I hate 'em!
JERRY: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
GEORGE: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.
Anyway, today's trip was fairly uneventful until I noticed, and I'm not making this up, that they have an Orgasm line of some type of beauty product. I think it was make-up, but I at that point I was laughing too hard and too embarrassed to really pursue the nature of this particular product any further.
Immediately I was reminded of Seinfeld (quotation to follow), but for those of you who are a little older and recall Woody Allen's seminal work "Bananas", here is a passage from that movie where the protagonist, the inveterate loser Fielding Mellish, is purchasing some magazines. He is really interested in the pornographic variety, but tries to hide this amongst some more highbrow periodicals. Unfortunately, the sales clerk is his undoing:
FIELDING: Get a copy of Time Magazine and l think l'll take Commentary and the Saturday Review. And... let's see, Newsweek. l'll just... grab one of these (picking up a copy of Orgasm magazine). Take 'em all.
SALES CLERK: Fifty, a dollar, dollar and a quarter... (loudly, so that everyone in the store can hear) Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of Orgasm?
FIELDING: (in a panic that everyone will hear) Just put 'em in a bag, will you?
SALES CLERK: (even louder than before) What? Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?
FIELDING: (grabbing his magazines) Doing a sociological study on perversion. l'm up to advanced child molesting.
And now for your Seinfeld reference:
Epsiode 65 - The Mango
GEORGE: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'
JERRY: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
GEORGE: I hate 'em!
JERRY: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
GEORGE: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Million to One Shot, Doc
I have to give a shout out to this Dr. Grumpy blog that my daughter clued me into. It's not for the squeamish (particularly the following post which is the subject of today's Seinfeld reference) and may dissuade future generations from entering the medical profession, but it's hilarious.
http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.com/2009/04/just-shoot-me.html
Episode 107 - The Fusilli Jerry
This is Kramer after he mistakenly receives his "Assman" license plate:
Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they "stuck" something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.com/2009/04/just-shoot-me.html
Episode 107 - The Fusilli Jerry
This is Kramer after he mistakenly receives his "Assman" license plate:
Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they "stuck" something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."
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