Happens Every Day

This happens every day so I thought it warranted a post at least once. I was sipping a nice cup of hot chocolate today and found that I was making that satisfying "AHH" sound that Elaine found so objectionable in an old college classmate.

Episode 73: The Masseuse

ELAINE: I gotta tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex.
JOEL: Bad association?
ELAINE: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to drop the class.

How Did Ben Start His Post-Game Talk With Terence?

The play that awoke Pittsburgh from its offensive slumber came on third-and-16 late in the third quarter. Santonio Holmes took off down the sideline, got behind cornerback Terence Newman and caught a beautiful throw from Roethlisberger for 47 yards.

"I talked to Newman afterward," Roethlisberger said. "He was sitting on everything all night. I kind of gave him a quick little pump fake, then just chunked it up for 'Tone. He ran under it and made a heck of a play."

Mallzheimer's

I heard this term for the first time while listening to "Car Talk" on NPR this morning. It's when you can't remember where you parked at the mall. My mind immediately flashed to the following Seinfeld episode:

Episode 23: The Parking Garage

GEORGE Where the hell is this car, Kramer?
KRAMER It's got to be here.
ELAINE Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.
JERRY Maybe it's not on this level.
GEORGE What?
JERRY There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
ELAINE It felt like a couple of levels.
JERRY You should always carry a pad and pen.
GEORGE I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

I Want That Free Coffee

This morning I was getting my coffee card punched at Jazzman's Cafe and I couldn't help thinking of a Seinfeld episode that pointed out the ludicrous nature of this entire exercise:

Episode 166: The Strike

At the coffee shop:

ELAINE: (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.
JERRY: "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?
ELAINE: I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. Twenty-four stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.
JERRY: What does that mean?
ELAINE: (Embarrassed) Free sub.

Later:

ELAINE: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!
JERRY: So?
ELAINE: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
JERRY: No, you walk out.
ELAINE: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
JERRY: No, you wait for the movie!
ELAINE: (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.

Overheard Today

I was waiting for my car to get serviced today and overheard this conversation between an elderly gentleman and a young woman with a baby in a stroller:

Gentleman: "Cute baby. By the way, how long have you been married?"
Young woman: "Three years."

That made me think of Jerry's great advice to a friend of his whose marriage was on the rocks:

Episode 133: The Wait Out

BETH: Well it wasn't just that. I realized after 3 years of marriage that David's little quirks were getting on my nerves a little.

JERRY: (agreeing) Well three years is a long time to be married.

All In the Family

For the second day in a row, I have to thank a family member for the Seinfeld moment of the day. This one comes courtesy of my daughter, who texted me today to alert me that her corduroy pants were making a noticeable swishing sound when she walked. Thank goodness she wasn't on a job interview!

Eipsode 79 - The Pie

(George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his fingers)

JERRY: Georgio! Nice duds!
GEORGE: You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think?
JERRY: Did you hear something?
ELAINE: Yeah, like a swoosh.
JERRY: Yeah.
ELAINE: It must be the fabric. It's rubbing between your thighs when you walk. That's what's making that swooshy sound.
(George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again)
GEORGE: I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!
JERRY: So what? What would they care?
GEORGE: This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.
JERRY: So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise?
GEORGE: Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm swooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire?

My Wife as George

Today's post was inspired by my wife, who was trying to think of an excuse so we wouldn't have to attend a Christmas party we were invited to. I won't give up any details, but the excuse she came up with rivaled anything that George Castanza could have come up with! It made me think of the following exchange, where Jerry is trying to beat a lie detector test.

Episode 102 - The Beard

Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?
Jerry: Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?

followed by this exchange:

Jerry: So George, how do I beat this lie detector?
George: I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it.