Seinfeld For Lunch

I just can't escape Seinfeld references, especially when it comes to food. Today I was checking out some places to eat lunch near my new office. Bistro #1 was a nice deli but what caught my eye on their menu was the "Original Black & White Cookie" for $1.95. Bistro #2 was a nice little Italian place featuring some terrific sounding calzones. Except for some reason they did not list one with eggplant!

Episode 130 - The Calzone

Mr. Steinbrenner: Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It looks pretty tasty .
George : It's a calzone , sir .
Mr. Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?
George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .
Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay, let's get back to business . Okay, here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent . Excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay, a little jealous now . Okay, lets go . Okay, last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good . Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza, get me a couple of those calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone. Must have one . Everybody out . Out .

Why Didn't I Think Of That?

As most of you know, this has been a big year for Pittsburgh, with a Super Bowl win, a Stanley Cup win, and the distinction of being the host city for the G-20 Conference. I recently learned of yet another honor when I was rounding on a patient in the ICU who became ill while attending the national MENSA meeting being held in our fair city at the Omni William Penn Hotel. MENSA, for those of you who don't know, is a global social club for people with high IQ's. I read an article in the Pittsburgh City Paper about the meeting (http://www.pittsburghcitypaper.ws/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A65615), in which I learned that Mensans have great sense of self-deprecating humor (their motto for next year's convention to be held in Detroit, Michigan is "What genius picked Detroit?"), and they are very practical when it comes to solving socially awkward sitiuations. As I mentioned in my post from May 29, there has been a hugging epidemic that has been causing much consternation in our secondary school system. Well, the Mensans actually have a "hugging code," a little sticker stuck on the members' badges to signal whether they want a hug. Green means "hug me," yellow signals hugs-by-permission, and red is a request for personal space.

What a great idea! This might have prevented Jerry's predicament in the following episode:

Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello

Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and closes for a kiss hello.
MAR: Hi Jerry.
JERRY: Hi Mary.
Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against the mailboxes.
JERRY: Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal....
Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.
JERRY: ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry.
The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and aiming for the kiss hello.
LOU: Hi Jerry.
JERRY: Hi Louise...
Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss.
JERRY: ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss hello thing anymore.(continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry.
Jerry backs into the elevator.
JERRY: (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.

Today's Pols Emulate George Costanza, Not Washington

David Brooks column in the NYT from 7/7/09 is a must read:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/opinion/07brooks.html?_r=1

In it, he bemoans the lack of dignity displayed by today's politicians (with the exception of the President). What he fails to mention is that the start of this trend can be traced to one George Costanza, who so eloquently admitted this character flaw back in the early 90's:

Episode 63 - The Pilot (Part 1)

GEORGE: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip)
JERRY: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
GEORGE: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?

Seinfeld Product Placement

OK, what shampoo brand name is specifically mentioned in a Seinfeld episode? The answer occurred to me while I was using one of those little sample shampoo bottles while taking a shower at the Wilkes-Barre Fairfield Inn. This passage is taken from a scene which recaptures Cyrano de Bergerac, as Kramer is trying to woo Jerry's girlfriend Pam with assistance from the poetic musings of a concealed Newman.

Episode 136 - The Soul Mate

PAM: Oh, hi Kramer!
NEWMAN (whispers through the bookcase): Hi. How are you?
KRAMER: Hi. How are you?
PAM: I'm great.
NEWMAN: I too am well.
KRAMER: I too am well.
NEWMAN: Do I smell Pantene?
KRAMER: Do I smell?
NEWMAN: Pantene!
KRAMER: Uh, Pantene.
PAM: Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail.
KRAMER (talks rapidly in an attempt to keep up with Newman): Well, there really is no junk mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...
NEWMAN (frantic): ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards...
KRAMER: Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.)
PAM: What?
KRAMER: Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance.
PAM: That's so true.
KRAMER: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
NEWMAN: Shell.
KRAMER: ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
PAM: Kramer, that is so lovely.
KRAMER: It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.
PAM: Oh, what's his name?
KRAMER: Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.)

They Should Sell Mangos at Sephora, Too

I have to go to Sephora about twice a year to get Clinique Clarifying Lotion (whatever that is) for my wife. I think I may start going more often because it's a source of some great blog material. The last time I was there they asked me if I wanted to join their rewards program, which they call "Beauty Insider". I politely declined the offer while explaining that I considered myself to be more of a Beauty Outsider.

Anyway, today's trip was fairly uneventful until I noticed, and I'm not making this up, that they have an Orgasm line of some type of beauty product. I think it was make-up, but I at that point I was laughing too hard and too embarrassed to really pursue the nature of this particular product any further.

Immediately I was reminded of Seinfeld (quotation to follow), but for those of you who are a little older and recall Woody Allen's seminal work "Bananas", here is a passage from that movie where the protagonist, the inveterate loser Fielding Mellish, is purchasing some magazines. He is really interested in the pornographic variety, but tries to hide this amongst some more highbrow periodicals. Unfortunately, the sales clerk is his undoing:

FIELDING: Get a copy of Time Magazine and l think l'll take Commentary and the Saturday Review. And... let's see, Newsweek. l'll just... grab one of these (picking up a copy of Orgasm magazine). Take 'em all.
SALES CLERK: Fifty, a dollar, dollar and a quarter... (loudly, so that everyone in the store can hear) Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of Orgasm?
FIELDING: (in a panic that everyone will hear) Just put 'em in a bag, will you?
SALES CLERK: (even louder than before) What? Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?
FIELDING: (grabbing his magazines) Doing a sociological study on perversion. l'm up to advanced child molesting.

And now for your Seinfeld reference:

Epsiode 65 - The Mango

GEORGE: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'
JERRY: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
GEORGE: I hate 'em!
JERRY: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
GEORGE: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

Million to One Shot, Doc

I have to give a shout out to this Dr. Grumpy blog that my daughter clued me into. It's not for the squeamish (particularly the following post which is the subject of today's Seinfeld reference) and may dissuade future generations from entering the medical profession, but it's hilarious.

http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.com/2009/04/just-shoot-me.html


Episode 107 - The Fusilli Jerry

This is Kramer after he mistakenly receives his "Assman" license plate:

Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they "stuck" something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."

Hugging Epidemic

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/style/28hugs.html?pagewanted=1

Today's post features the article above from the NY Times about the plague of social hugging in today's secondary school system (including a mention of my junior high school). Of course, it made me realize that I would be an absolute social outcast in this setting, as Jerry found himself to be in the following episode:

Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello

[Jerry's Apartment]
Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer darts into the room.

KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Ah, well. Thank you very much!
KRAMER: For what?
JERRY: (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!
KRAMER: You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.
JERRY: Family?
KRAMER: Yeah.
JERRY: You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my Nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.

As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer takes Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right on Jerry's lips.