I went to a bakery this morning but I didn't notice the little machine that gives you a ticket. Then while I'm waiting in line, I noticed that the people in back of me all had tickets. Well, the lady in back of me must have heard me swearing, whereupon she said, "you were here before me, take my ticket."
Contrast this to the following exchange:
Episode 77 - The Dinner Party
Elaine and Jerry run into Barbara at the bakery - all of them are invited to the same dinner party.
ELAINE: Oh, we forgot to pick a number.
JERRY: You see that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people.
ELAINE: You think I should go ask her for hers?
JERRY: No, forget it.
ELAINE: No, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask them. Come on. . . . Excuse me. We were here ahead of you.
BARBARA: How do I know that?
JERRY: Well we saw you come in.
BARBARA: Well, that's easy for you to say.
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in line at bakeries. You know we were here ahead of you.
BARBARA: You're NOT getting my number.
JERRY: Oh so you still don't believe us.
CLERK: 47!
BARBARA: Us.
ELAINE: Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen. Let me tell you something. As soon as I get there, I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.
BARBARA: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.
CLERK: You're lucky Mrs. Benedict. It's our last one.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Bookman's Revenge
Please refer to the following link for today's Seinfeld moment:
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20090124/NEWS10/901240334/-1/archive
Word has it that the extreme measures taken in this particular case were taken only after extensive consultation with a Mr. Bookman, who evidently was brought out of retirement to advise on this matter.
Episode 180 - The Finale, Part 2
[Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]
Hoyt: State your name.
Bookman: Bookman, Joe Bookman.
Hoyt: And what's your occupation?
Bookman: I'm a library cop.
Hoyt: What does a library cop do?
Bookman: We chase down library delinquents.
Hoyt: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?
Bookman: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.
Hoyt: How long was his book overdue?
Bookman: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
Hoyt: What do you call them?
Bookman: Criminals.
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20090124/NEWS10/901240334/-1/archive
Word has it that the extreme measures taken in this particular case were taken only after extensive consultation with a Mr. Bookman, who evidently was brought out of retirement to advise on this matter.
Episode 180 - The Finale, Part 2
[Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]
Hoyt: State your name.
Bookman: Bookman, Joe Bookman.
Hoyt: And what's your occupation?
Bookman: I'm a library cop.
Hoyt: What does a library cop do?
Bookman: We chase down library delinquents.
Hoyt: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?
Bookman: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.
Hoyt: How long was his book overdue?
Bookman: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
Hoyt: What do you call them?
Bookman: Criminals.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Life Imitates Seinfeld
Every week I get takeout from an Italian restaurant near my residence and every week I go through the same exercise with the cashier - making sure he sees that I am depositing a generous tip in the tip jar. I, like George, have learned that the timing of the tip drop is absolutely critical.
Episode 130 - The Calzone
George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't notice it what's the point .
Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind .
George : Not bills .
Episode 130 - The Calzone
George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't notice it what's the point .
Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind .
George : Not bills .
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Peruvian Real Estate
There's a new Peruvian chicken place across the street from my place of employment. I highly recommend the Peruvian fried rice. The owner is justifiably quite proud of his new eatery. However, whenever I eat there I get this irresistable urge to ask him if the following Seinfeld assertion is actually true.
Episode 130 - The Calzone
Kramer : You got cigars , huh .
Jerry : I got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell !
Kramer : Oh yeah baby. What are these ? " Perducto de Peru "! Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming .
Jerry : Peru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks !
Episode 130 - The Calzone
Kramer : You got cigars , huh .
Jerry : I got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell !
Kramer : Oh yeah baby. What are these ? " Perducto de Peru "! Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming .
Jerry : Peru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks !
Friday, January 16, 2009
Major Shrinkage
Today's Seinfeld moment is brought to you by the funniest fake news website on the planet, the Carbolic Smoke Ball:
http://carbolicsmoke.com/2009/01/16/us-airways-plane-hits-iceberg-sinks/#more-3634
Episode 85 - The Hamptons
George: How do women know about shrinkage?
(They see Elaine walking down the hall)
George and Jerry: Elaine! Get over here!
(She enters)
George and Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?
George: No.
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
http://carbolicsmoke.com/2009/01/16/us-airways-plane-hits-iceberg-sinks/#more-3634
Episode 85 - The Hamptons
George: How do women know about shrinkage?
(They see Elaine walking down the hall)
George and Jerry: Elaine! Get over here!
(She enters)
George and Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?
George: No.
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Car Previously Owned by Orthodontist Brock Obama
http://www.nypost.com/seven/12122008/news/nationalnews/os_100g_car_on_ebay_143835.htm
Please click on above link in order to understand today's Seinfeld moment. What the article does not disclose is that the ebay listing of Obama's car was placed by one George Costanza (the Tim O'Boyle mentioned in the article is a pseudonym). Mr. Costanza had previously listed a car on ebay owned by periodontist John Voight using yet another pseudonym (Arthur Vandelay). However, the listing had to be retracted when the vehicle was destroyed in a fire.
Episode 94 - The Mom & Pop Store
Opening scene - George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out an '89 Volvo.
CAR SALESMAN: George, are you sure I can't show you any other cars?
GEORGE: I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car for me, it's the one I want.
SALESMAN: I got a LeBaron convertible right here.
GEORGE (chuckles): N.I. - Not interested.
SALESMAN: It's got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was John Voight.
GEORGE (suddenly interested): Jon Voight?
Please click on above link in order to understand today's Seinfeld moment. What the article does not disclose is that the ebay listing of Obama's car was placed by one George Costanza (the Tim O'Boyle mentioned in the article is a pseudonym). Mr. Costanza had previously listed a car on ebay owned by periodontist John Voight using yet another pseudonym (Arthur Vandelay). However, the listing had to be retracted when the vehicle was destroyed in a fire.
Episode 94 - The Mom & Pop Store
Opening scene - George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out an '89 Volvo.
CAR SALESMAN: George, are you sure I can't show you any other cars?
GEORGE: I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car for me, it's the one I want.
SALESMAN: I got a LeBaron convertible right here.
GEORGE (chuckles): N.I. - Not interested.
SALESMAN: It's got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was John Voight.
GEORGE (suddenly interested): Jon Voight?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Delicate Genius
Took my wife to Physical Therapy today and I swear to God that the office looked exactly like the one in the following Seinfeld episode. I hope their cancellation policy is not quite as strict.
Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello
[ProFitness Physical Therapy Center]
George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist and lower arm, clearly much more comfortable.
GEORGE: You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)
RECEPTIONIST: (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.
GEORGE: (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go.
George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's cheque and finds it's not up to scratch.
RECEPTIONIST: Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.
GEORGE: What for?
RECEPTIONIST: Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice for all cancellations".
GEORGE: (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to the chiropodist.
Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.
WENDY: What's the problem?
GEORGE: (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
WENDY: Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.
Wendy walks out, into another room.
GEORGE: (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy!
George heads for the door.
RECEPTIONIST: So. Will you be here tomorrow?
GEORGE: Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!
George leaves, slamming the door behind him.
Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello
[ProFitness Physical Therapy Center]
George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist and lower arm, clearly much more comfortable.
GEORGE: You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)
RECEPTIONIST: (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.
GEORGE: (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go.
George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's cheque and finds it's not up to scratch.
RECEPTIONIST: Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.
GEORGE: What for?
RECEPTIONIST: Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice for all cancellations".
GEORGE: (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to the chiropodist.
Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.
WENDY: What's the problem?
GEORGE: (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
WENDY: Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.
Wendy walks out, into another room.
GEORGE: (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy!
George heads for the door.
RECEPTIONIST: So. Will you be here tomorrow?
GEORGE: Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!
George leaves, slamming the door behind him.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Homage to Mel Brooks
Sometimes I will have Mel Brooks moments as opposed to Seinfeld moments. This is an example:
These are direct quotes from President-Elect Obama's speech on the economy yesterday.
"The result has been a devastating loss of trust and confidence in our economy, our financial markets, and our government." .........
"That's why we need to act boldly and act now to reverse these cycles."
When I heard those lines, it reminded me of Reverend Johnson's sermon to the Rock Ridge congregation in Blazing Saddles. Please note, however, that Obama left out the Reverend's last sentence - I think he's saving it for his Inaugural Address
Reverend Johnson: "Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving."
These are direct quotes from President-Elect Obama's speech on the economy yesterday.
"The result has been a devastating loss of trust and confidence in our economy, our financial markets, and our government." .........
"That's why we need to act boldly and act now to reverse these cycles."
When I heard those lines, it reminded me of Reverend Johnson's sermon to the Rock Ridge congregation in Blazing Saddles. Please note, however, that Obama left out the Reverend's last sentence - I think he's saving it for his Inaugural Address
Reverend Johnson: "Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving."
Thursday, January 8, 2009
One Name I'll Never Forget
For today's Seinfeld moment I have to thank one of my patients, a lovely elderly lady whose first name happens to be Dolores. I found myself repeating her name over and over while I was taking her history, perhaps to demonstrate to her that I would never be accused of forgetting her name. It went something like this:
Episode 135 - The Foundation
[Jerry sees someone he knows.]
Jerry: Oh God.
George: What?
Jerry: It's Dolores.
George: Who?
Jerry: Mulva.
[Dolores notices Jerry.]
Dolores: Jerry, hi.
Jerry: Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?
George: Dolores!
Dolores: Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.
Jerry: Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores.
Dolores: Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya.
Jerry: See ya.
George: Bye, Dolores.
Episode 135 - The Foundation
[Jerry sees someone he knows.]
Jerry: Oh God.
George: What?
Jerry: It's Dolores.
George: Who?
Jerry: Mulva.
[Dolores notices Jerry.]
Dolores: Jerry, hi.
Jerry: Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?
George: Dolores!
Dolores: Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.
Jerry: Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores.
Dolores: Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya.
Jerry: See ya.
George: Bye, Dolores.
Monday, January 5, 2009
My Own Golden Boy
Like Jerry, I seem to have an abnormal obsession with old T-shirts. I am particularly attached to my T-shirt from the first Pedal Pittsburgh event I participated in from 2005. It's gotten so worn out that I had to sew up the holes it was developing in the axillary area (armpits for those not in the medical profession). As I was putting it on today it occurred to me that I should give it a name before it meets its maker.
Episode 78 - The Marine Biologist
(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine, who is on the phone)
Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirt, six years I've had this T-shirt, it's my best one, I call him...Golden Boy
Elaine: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here, touch Golden Boy!
Elaine: No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But see, look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
Jerry: No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
(Elaine is suddenly excited)
Elaine: (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: The guy in the gulag!
Elaine: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday in a limousine!
Jerry: You wanna borrow Golden Boy!
I think I'll call my Pedal Pittsburgh T-shirt Iron Man! The name has the Pittsburgh industrial connection and it's a direct quote from the above exchange in The Marine Biologist! Now I'm excited! (Pardon all the exclamation points.)
Episode 78 - The Marine Biologist
(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine, who is on the phone)
Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirt, six years I've had this T-shirt, it's my best one, I call him...Golden Boy
Elaine: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here, touch Golden Boy!
Elaine: No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But see, look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
Jerry: No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
(Elaine is suddenly excited)
Elaine: (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: The guy in the gulag!
Elaine: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday in a limousine!
Jerry: You wanna borrow Golden Boy!
I think I'll call my Pedal Pittsburgh T-shirt Iron Man! The name has the Pittsburgh industrial connection and it's a direct quote from the above exchange in The Marine Biologist! Now I'm excited! (Pardon all the exclamation points.)
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