But You Are In The Shackles!

I saw an interesting sight in the hallway yesterday here at the corporate behemoth (UPMC, that is). There was a guy in an orange jumpsuit, in shackles, being escorted by several armed prison guards in the direction of the Falk Medical Clinic. Anyway, I was tempted to torment him with my TIME magazine, but I chickened out.

Episode 52 - The Airport

Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Umm... No.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...
George: But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is!

Sometimes I Wonder About Myself

We saw an excellent production of Romeo and Juliet by the Pittsburgh Ballet Theater yesterday. However, my mind kept wandering throughout the performance, as I was distracted by the following Seinfeld reference:

Episode 13 - The Heart Attack

George's doctor and Elaine are having a flirtatious discussion regarding tonsils:

ELAINE: I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
DOCTOR: That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsilled people.
JERRY: (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

George Costanza for Treasury Secretary

Excerpted from http://theamericanscene.com/2009/02/10/the-costanza-hoover-principle

"The strongest argument for the stimulus (and the one that I think, in their heart-of-hearts, most supporters actually hold) is what could be called the Costanza-Hoover Principle: do the opposite of whatever Herbert Hoover did. In a world of limited knowledge, this isn’t as crazy as it might seem, at least as a starting point. It sure seems like Hoover screwed up; and hopefully we can avoid his mistakes. This pretty much boils down to: avoid a tariff war; don’t try to balance the budget right now; don’t restrict the money supply (that gold standard thing is right out); and, most importantly, prevent a collapse of the banking system."

Episode 86 - The Opposite

Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

Hey, it worked for George Costanza, so why not the global economy?

Seinfeld Saves Lives

I was in the Fort lauderdale airport waiting for my flight to depart when I heard this guy yelling "Is there a doctor available?" It turns out that one of the workers in a snack shop had passed out. So I mosey over to the scene along with a couple of other physicians and the only advice we could offer was straight out of Seinfeld:

Episode 143 - The Abstinence

Elaine is dining at Monk's with her intern boyfriend Ben when she runs into her old nemesis from high school, Sue Ellen Mischke.

Woman: Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?
Elaine: Well, there's a doctor right here.
Ben: No there's not.
Elaine: Can't you at least tell him what to do?
Ben: Like what?
Sue Ellen: Shouldn't he elevate his legs?
Ben: Right. Elevate your legs!

Cookie Deprivation

Took a brief trip to Florida, where I experienced Seinfeld moments too numerous to count. Since there are no non-stop flights from Pittsburgh to South Florida anymore, I had to take 4 flights altogether. Naturally, being the cheapskate that I am, I chose to fly Coach, and on each flight I had the urge to stand up and echo Elaine's impassioned speech about the fat cats flying first class:

Episode 52 - The Airport

Elaine has just been caught sneaking into first class.

Attendant: [Checks her list] You're going to have to go back to coach.
Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here...
Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive.
Elaine: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there...
[She notices another attendant offering goods]
Oh, you have cookies!
Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your seat!
Elaine: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society without classes!
[She goes through the curtain back to coach and addresses her fellow passengers]
Do you realize that the people up here are getting cookies!

Hello, Senator Newman

The following link provides a fascinating history of the oath of office for incoming United States Senators.

http://www.senate.gov/artandhistory/history/common/briefing/Oath_Office.htm

However, rumors are rampant that the oath will be altered for the first time in over a century at the swearing in of our newest Senator, Bonnie Newman, R-New Hampshire (see title of this post for the revised oath).

Senator Newman's family has a long history of public service. A distant cousin of the new Senator evidently had a long, albeit undistinguished career at the United States Postal Service.

Episode 88 - The Big Salad

Elaine & Jerry are discussing Newman

Elaine: Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
Elaine: He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

Homeric Shrinkage

From the Carbolic Smoke Ball:

http://carbolicsmoke.com/2009/02/02/from-the-archives-of-carbolic-s...

Episode 85 - The Hamptons

Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left.

(Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)

Rachel: (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)

George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool!