Seinfeld Saves Lives

I was in the Fort lauderdale airport waiting for my flight to depart when I heard this guy yelling "Is there a doctor available?" It turns out that one of the workers in a snack shop had passed out. So I mosey over to the scene along with a couple of other physicians and the only advice we could offer was straight out of Seinfeld:

Episode 143 - The Abstinence

Elaine is dining at Monk's with her intern boyfriend Ben when she runs into her old nemesis from high school, Sue Ellen Mischke.

Woman: Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?
Elaine: Well, there's a doctor right here.
Ben: No there's not.
Elaine: Can't you at least tell him what to do?
Ben: Like what?
Sue Ellen: Shouldn't he elevate his legs?
Ben: Right. Elevate your legs!

Cookie Deprivation

Took a brief trip to Florida, where I experienced Seinfeld moments too numerous to count. Since there are no non-stop flights from Pittsburgh to South Florida anymore, I had to take 4 flights altogether. Naturally, being the cheapskate that I am, I chose to fly Coach, and on each flight I had the urge to stand up and echo Elaine's impassioned speech about the fat cats flying first class:

Episode 52 - The Airport

Elaine has just been caught sneaking into first class.

Attendant: [Checks her list] You're going to have to go back to coach.
Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here...
Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive.
Elaine: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there...
[She notices another attendant offering goods]
Oh, you have cookies!
Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your seat!
Elaine: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society without classes!
[She goes through the curtain back to coach and addresses her fellow passengers]
Do you realize that the people up here are getting cookies!

Hello, Senator Newman

The following link provides a fascinating history of the oath of office for incoming United States Senators.

http://www.senate.gov/artandhistory/history/common/briefing/Oath_Office.htm

However, rumors are rampant that the oath will be altered for the first time in over a century at the swearing in of our newest Senator, Bonnie Newman, R-New Hampshire (see title of this post for the revised oath).

Senator Newman's family has a long history of public service. A distant cousin of the new Senator evidently had a long, albeit undistinguished career at the United States Postal Service.

Episode 88 - The Big Salad

Elaine & Jerry are discussing Newman

Elaine: Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
Elaine: He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

Homeric Shrinkage

From the Carbolic Smoke Ball:

http://carbolicsmoke.com/2009/02/02/from-the-archives-of-carbolic-s...

Episode 85 - The Hamptons

Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left.

(Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)

Rachel: (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)

George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

The Difference Between Pittsburgh and Manhattan

I went to a bakery this morning but I didn't notice the little machine that gives you a ticket. Then while I'm waiting in line, I noticed that the people in back of me all had tickets. Well, the lady in back of me must have heard me swearing, whereupon she said, "you were here before me, take my ticket."

Contrast this to the following exchange:

Episode 77 - The Dinner Party

Elaine and Jerry run into Barbara at the bakery - all of them are invited to the same dinner party.

ELAINE: Oh, we forgot to pick a number.
JERRY: You see that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people.
ELAINE: You think I should go ask her for hers?
JERRY: No, forget it.
ELAINE: No, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask them. Come on. . . . Excuse me. We were here ahead of you.
BARBARA: How do I know that?
JERRY: Well we saw you come in.
BARBARA: Well, that's easy for you to say.
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in line at bakeries. You know we were here ahead of you.
BARBARA: You're NOT getting my number.
JERRY: Oh so you still don't believe us.
CLERK: 47!
BARBARA: Us.
ELAINE: Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen. Let me tell you something. As soon as I get there, I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.
BARBARA: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.
CLERK: You're lucky Mrs. Benedict. It's our last one.

Bookman's Revenge

Please refer to the following link for today's Seinfeld moment:

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20090124/NEWS10/901240334/-1/archive

Word has it that the extreme measures taken in this particular case were taken only after extensive consultation with a Mr. Bookman, who evidently was brought out of retirement to advise on this matter.

Episode 180 - The Finale, Part 2

[Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]
Hoyt: State your name.
Bookman: Bookman, Joe Bookman.
Hoyt: And what's your occupation?
Bookman: I'm a library cop.
Hoyt: What does a library cop do?
Bookman: We chase down library delinquents.
Hoyt: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?
Bookman: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.
Hoyt: How long was his book overdue?
Bookman: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
Hoyt: What do you call them?
Bookman: Criminals.

Life Imitates Seinfeld

Every week I get takeout from an Italian restaurant near my residence and every week I go through the same exercise with the cashier - making sure he sees that I am depositing a generous tip in the tip jar. I, like George, have learned that the timing of the tip drop is absolutely critical.

Episode 130 - The Calzone

George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't notice it what's the point .
Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind .
George : Not bills .