Household Cleaning Tips and Seinfeld

This post comes to you courtesy of my darling daughter, who spilled a cup of coffee on our carpet. As it turns out, the coffee stain was amazingly responsive to the following removal recipe:

1. Blot the area with a clean, white cloth to absorb all the liquid you can.
2. Mix 1 teaspoon clear, mild liquid dish washing detergent with 1 cup lukewarm water.
3. Sponge the area with the detergent solution. Blot again with a clean, white cloth.
4. Mix 1/3 cup white vinegar with 2/3 cup lukewarm water.
5. Sponge the area with the vinegar solution. Blot with a clean, white cloth.
6. Sponge the area with clean water. Blot with a clean, white cloth.

What does this have to do with Seinfeld, you ask? Well, let's just say that you don't necessarily have to risk brainwashing by Sunshine Carpet Cleaners to get rid of a little coffee stain:

Episode 114 - The Checks

GEORGE: (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners
EXECUTIVE 1: Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry Seinfield.

Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other carpet cleaners. George looks stunned.

GEORGE: Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?
WILHELM: I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted. And, one day, we will do the cleaning.

George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader.

GEORGE: (with incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got that I don't have?!

The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.'

GEORGE: (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!
WILHELM: Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya.

George purses his lips.

EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series.

The second executive shakes her head.

Apply Now For Public Urination Passes

Today's post is brought to you by our local newspaper, reporting on an essential piece of legislation for our fair city:

http://postgazette.com/pg/09252/996673-100.stm

Expected to lobby vigorously against the proposal are Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza, citing the very real risk of an outbreak of Uromysitisis poisoning if this bill is passed:

Episode 23 - The Parking Garage

Jerry has just been arrested for public urination

JERRY I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SECURITY GUARD Well you're still not allowed.
JERRY Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
SECURITY GUARD That's up to you.
JERRY So you don't care if I die.
SECURITY GUARD What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
JERRY It was life and death.
SECURITY GUARD Uh huh.
JERRY Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SECURITY GUARD I don't know.
JERRY Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.

This Week With Schmoopy

Here's a piece of first class Seinfeld trivia. George Stephanopoulos, ABC News' Chief Washington Correspondent and host of "This Week with George Stephanopoulos," is married to Alexandra Wentworth. Who is Alexandra Wentworth, you might ask? She is the actress who played Jerry's girlfriend Sheila, aka Schmoopy, in "The Soup Nazi." And since it wasn't entirely clear to George and Elaine exactly who Schmoopy was (Jerry or Sheila, or perhaps both), one could make a legitimate case for calling Mr. Stephanopoulos "Schmoopy". As a matter of fact, I think it would actually make for a much more spirited discussion during the round table if George Will and Sam Donaldson were allowed to address the host as "Schmoopy."

Episode 116 - The Soup Nazi

GEORGE: Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?
ELAINE: Oh, I know! It is awful!
GEORGE: Why do they have to do that in front of people?
ELAINE: I don't know.
GEORGE: What is that with the shmoopy?
ELAINE: Ohh!
GEORGE: The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy!
ELAINE: Oh! Stop it! I know.
GEORGE: I had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is actually called shmoopy.

No Soup For Me!

Tragic news - it appears as if the Original Soupman franchise in downtown Pittsburgh has closed. I was downtown today on an errand and was looking forward to some delicious soup, when I found that the door to Original Soupman was locked and there was a sign on the door that said, "Trucking Co. problems have caused a shortage of inventory forcing us to close until we receive a shipment." From past experience, I could tell that the sign was bogus and that the store was permanently closed. By the way, what is the purpose of witholding the truth about a store or restaurant closing? Don't tell us you're closed for renovations or you're waiting for a shipment or some other nonsense. Just tell the truth - that you failed miserably in your feeble attempt to become a successful entrepreneur. In fact, this should be what the sign says on the door: "Closed Forever - Failed Miserably"

Anyway, here is my tribute to the pathetic Pittsburgh Soup Nazi, who has evidently fled to Argentina. Who knows, maybe someone disclosed all of his recipes!

Episode 116 - The Soup Nazi

NEWMAN: Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!
JERRY: Wha - wha - what's the matter?
NEWMAN: Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more soup for any of us!
JERRY: Well, where are you going?
NEWMAN: He's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot!

Seinfeld For Lunch

I just can't escape Seinfeld references, especially when it comes to food. Today I was checking out some places to eat lunch near my new office. Bistro #1 was a nice deli but what caught my eye on their menu was the "Original Black & White Cookie" for $1.95. Bistro #2 was a nice little Italian place featuring some terrific sounding calzones. Except for some reason they did not list one with eggplant!

Episode 130 - The Calzone

Mr. Steinbrenner: Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It looks pretty tasty .
George : It's a calzone , sir .
Mr. Steinbrenner : A calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?
George : Uh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .
Mr. . Steinbrenner : Eggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay, let's get back to business . Okay, here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent . Excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay, a little jealous now . Okay, lets go . Okay, last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good . Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza, get me a couple of those calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone. Must have one . Everybody out . Out .

Why Didn't I Think Of That?

As most of you know, this has been a big year for Pittsburgh, with a Super Bowl win, a Stanley Cup win, and the distinction of being the host city for the G-20 Conference. I recently learned of yet another honor when I was rounding on a patient in the ICU who became ill while attending the national MENSA meeting being held in our fair city at the Omni William Penn Hotel. MENSA, for those of you who don't know, is a global social club for people with high IQ's. I read an article in the Pittsburgh City Paper about the meeting (http://www.pittsburghcitypaper.ws/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A65615), in which I learned that Mensans have great sense of self-deprecating humor (their motto for next year's convention to be held in Detroit, Michigan is "What genius picked Detroit?"), and they are very practical when it comes to solving socially awkward sitiuations. As I mentioned in my post from May 29, there has been a hugging epidemic that has been causing much consternation in our secondary school system. Well, the Mensans actually have a "hugging code," a little sticker stuck on the members' badges to signal whether they want a hug. Green means "hug me," yellow signals hugs-by-permission, and red is a request for personal space.

What a great idea! This might have prevented Jerry's predicament in the following episode:

Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello

Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and closes for a kiss hello.
MAR: Hi Jerry.
JERRY: Hi Mary.
Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against the mailboxes.
JERRY: Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal....
Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.
JERRY: ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it. I'm sorry.
The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and aiming for the kiss hello.
LOU: Hi Jerry.
JERRY: Hi Louise...
Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss.
JERRY: ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss hello thing anymore.(continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't do it. It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh, I'm sorry.
Jerry backs into the elevator.
JERRY: (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.

Today's Pols Emulate George Costanza, Not Washington

David Brooks column in the NYT from 7/7/09 is a must read:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/opinion/07brooks.html?_r=1

In it, he bemoans the lack of dignity displayed by today's politicians (with the exception of the President). What he fails to mention is that the start of this trend can be traced to one George Costanza, who so eloquently admitted this character flaw back in the early 90's:

Episode 63 - The Pilot (Part 1)

GEORGE: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip)
JERRY: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
GEORGE: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?

Seinfeld Product Placement

OK, what shampoo brand name is specifically mentioned in a Seinfeld episode? The answer occurred to me while I was using one of those little sample shampoo bottles while taking a shower at the Wilkes-Barre Fairfield Inn. This passage is taken from a scene which recaptures Cyrano de Bergerac, as Kramer is trying to woo Jerry's girlfriend Pam with assistance from the poetic musings of a concealed Newman.

Episode 136 - The Soul Mate

PAM: Oh, hi Kramer!
NEWMAN (whispers through the bookcase): Hi. How are you?
KRAMER: Hi. How are you?
PAM: I'm great.
NEWMAN: I too am well.
KRAMER: I too am well.
NEWMAN: Do I smell Pantene?
KRAMER: Do I smell?
NEWMAN: Pantene!
KRAMER: Uh, Pantene.
PAM: Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail.
KRAMER (talks rapidly in an attempt to keep up with Newman): Well, there really is no junk mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but...
NEWMAN (frantic): ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards...
KRAMER: Newman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.)
PAM: What?
KRAMER: Uh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance.
PAM: That's so true.
KRAMER: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
NEWMAN: Shell.
KRAMER: ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.
PAM: Kramer, that is so lovely.
KRAMER: It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.
PAM: Oh, what's his name?
KRAMER: Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.)

They Should Sell Mangos at Sephora, Too

I have to go to Sephora about twice a year to get Clinique Clarifying Lotion (whatever that is) for my wife. I think I may start going more often because it's a source of some great blog material. The last time I was there they asked me if I wanted to join their rewards program, which they call "Beauty Insider". I politely declined the offer while explaining that I considered myself to be more of a Beauty Outsider.

Anyway, today's trip was fairly uneventful until I noticed, and I'm not making this up, that they have an Orgasm line of some type of beauty product. I think it was make-up, but I at that point I was laughing too hard and too embarrassed to really pursue the nature of this particular product any further.

Immediately I was reminded of Seinfeld (quotation to follow), but for those of you who are a little older and recall Woody Allen's seminal work "Bananas", here is a passage from that movie where the protagonist, the inveterate loser Fielding Mellish, is purchasing some magazines. He is really interested in the pornographic variety, but tries to hide this amongst some more highbrow periodicals. Unfortunately, the sales clerk is his undoing:

FIELDING: Get a copy of Time Magazine and l think l'll take Commentary and the Saturday Review. And... let's see, Newsweek. l'll just... grab one of these (picking up a copy of Orgasm magazine). Take 'em all.
SALES CLERK: Fifty, a dollar, dollar and a quarter... (loudly, so that everyone in the store can hear) Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of Orgasm?
FIELDING: (in a panic that everyone will hear) Just put 'em in a bag, will you?
SALES CLERK: (even louder than before) What? Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?
FIELDING: (grabbing his magazines) Doing a sociological study on perversion. l'm up to advanced child molesting.

And now for your Seinfeld reference:

Epsiode 65 - The Mango

GEORGE: It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'
JERRY: They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
GEORGE: I hate 'em!
JERRY: You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
GEORGE: It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

Million to One Shot, Doc

I have to give a shout out to this Dr. Grumpy blog that my daughter clued me into. It's not for the squeamish (particularly the following post which is the subject of today's Seinfeld reference) and may dissuade future generations from entering the medical profession, but it's hilarious.

http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.com/2009/04/just-shoot-me.html


Episode 107 - The Fusilli Jerry

This is Kramer after he mistakenly receives his "Assman" license plate:

Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they "stuck" something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one."

Hugging Epidemic

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/style/28hugs.html?pagewanted=1

Today's post features the article above from the NY Times about the plague of social hugging in today's secondary school system (including a mention of my junior high school). Of course, it made me realize that I would be an absolute social outcast in this setting, as Jerry found himself to be in the following episode:

Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello

[Jerry's Apartment]
Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer darts into the room.

KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Ah, well. Thank you very much!
KRAMER: For what?
JERRY: (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!
KRAMER: You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.
JERRY: Family?
KRAMER: Yeah.
JERRY: You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my Nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.

As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer takes Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right on Jerry's lips.

Hiding From the Watchtower

We have these nice, elderly Jehovah's Witnesses who come around on Saturday, distribute their literature, and then proceed to talk your ear off. So if I see them coming down the sidewalk before they spot me, I'll hide and pretend like I'm not home. This weekend we have the pleasure of Emily's company so we had to include her in on the drill. So you had me, Chris, and Emily all hiding behind the sofa to avoid the horror of having to talk to these lovely but loquacious ladies. You'd have thought we were trying to avoid detection by the Nazis! Anyway, it reminded me of the following exchange between Elaine and her girlfriend Tina, whose apartment she is subletting:

Episode 86 - The Opposite

Tina : Elaine, we have a problem.
Elaine : Well, what is it?
Tina : You're getting kicked out.
Elaine : Kicked out?! Why?!
Tina : Well, there's been a number of complaints.
Elaine : Yeah? Like what?
Tina : Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
Elaine : I didn't know who he was!
Tina : That's why there's a buzzer.
Elaine : What else?
Tina : Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehovah's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.

Morning Mist

Had a great weekend in North Carolina attending my nephew's graduation at Duke University. However, as I departed for the airport on Saturday morning, I had a terrifying moment when I actually idenitified with none other than George Costanza! I was toting my bags to the car, and it occurred to me that I had an awful lot of stuff to carry for one brief weekend away from home. It reminded me of the following exchange between George and Jerry before departing for LA:

Episode 41 - The Trip

Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases and backpacks.

Jerry: What is this?
George: What?
Jerry: We're going on a two day trip. What are you, Diana Ross?
George: I happen to dress based on mood.
Jerry: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
George: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Jerry: (referring to George's outfit) And what mood is this?
George: This is Morning Mist.

Seinfeld on Hospital Rounds

Wow! I have been extremely negligent in regard to my posting so I will try to make amends. Anyway, over the weekend I was making rounds in the Intensive Care Unit when I was presented a case of new onset kidney failure in the setting of profound dehydration. After the intern summarized the patient's history, I asked her to report his laboratory data, and for some reason I requested the information with a quote direct from Seinfeld. It went something like this:

"So what were the patient's labs, which I gather might have been a tad askew?"

Episode 83 - The Raincoats

ELAINE: I know they're your parents, Jerry, and they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?

JERRY: It is a tad askew.

Operatic Seinfeld (Extended Post)

I saw an opera over the weekend (La Boheme) and I actually enjoyed it! Of course, it got me to thinking about all of the operatic references in Seinfeld. I could think of five episodes that either featured or mentioned the opera or famous opera singers. Any aditional contributions to my list would be appreciated:

Episode 49 - The Opera

An entire episode devoted to Leoncavallo's immortal "Pagliacci". Every scene is brilliant. However, the following exchange, after Jerry accuses some guy of stealing his quarter, got me into a pugilistic mood prior to departing for the Benedum Center. Fortunately, nobody challenged me to a fight at the venue, in part due to the fact that the audience was 90% female and the average age was probably well over 70.

MAN: You think I care about money? That's how much I care about money. I don't care about money.
JERRY: Oh yeah, well why don't you just get lost!
MAN: Why don't you get lost!
JERRY: Because I was standing here, that's why.
MAN: Oh Yeah?
JERRY: Yeah!
The man walks away.
JERRY: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough... Anybody else got a problem?

Episode 72 - The Barber

Another entire episode with an operatic theme and with background music exclusively from Rossini's "The Barber of Seville".

Episode 102 - The Beard

George compares his lying prowess to Pavarotti's voice.

Jerry: So George, how do I beat this lie detector?
George: I'm sorry, Jerry. I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavarotti, "Teach me to sing like you."

Episode 113 - The Maestro

Elaine is singing "Le donna e mobile" from Verdi's "Rigoletto".

Episode 127 - The Doll

Elaine gets an autograph from Jose Carreras, "the other guy" of the Three Tenors.

ELAINE: You know the Three Tenors?
GEORGE: Yeah.. (Trying to remember) Pavarotti.. Domingo.. and.. uh.. the other guy.
ELAINE: (Nodding) The other guy.

That's all I can think of for now, but how many other sitcoms have even one reference to the opera?

Jackie Chiles Returns!

Straight out of the "You've got to be kidding" file:

http://www.postgazette.com/pg/09091/959762-100.stm

Evidently, Attorney Jackie Chiles has been retained to represent the plaintiff, as Mr. Chiles has prior experience with cases involving faulty coffee cup tops (Cosmo Kramer vs Java World):

Episode 113 - The Maestro

KRAMER: Well ahh. I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
JACKIE: Was there a top on it?
KRAMER: Yeah.
JACKIE: Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
KRAMER: No. They put the top on.
JACKIE: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you?
(Kramer motions that he did not make the top)
JACKIE: (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some tests on that top.

Seinfeld's link to Bernie Madoff

The following is a somewhat depressing account of the effect of Bernard Madoff's Ponzi scheme on a few of its victims.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/13/nyregion/13bigcity.html?_r=1&hp

One revelation in the article was the following statement:

"Ms. Schwartz, a professional organizer (of closets, not workers), had arranged to meet at the courthouse a new friend, Bennett Goldworth."

And here I thought the job of closet organizer was just something they made up on Seinfeld:

Episode 50 - The Virgin

Jerry with Marla, who is measuring his closet space.

Marla: Let me tell you what I think.
Jerry: Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.
Marla: Are you very fussy about your pants?
Jerry: I don't think I am.
Marla: Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it?
Jerry: Try me.
Marla: Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks.
Jerry: Everything?
Marla: Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here.
Jerry: You're quite mad, you know.

The Ultimate Sundae

I don't know what possessed me to do this in subfeezing weather, but on Saturday I had a craving for an ice cream sundae. So I got a delicious white turtle sundae with butter pecan ice cream and while I'm wolfing it down, I couldn't help think about the folowing insightful observations by Jerry:

Episode 52 - The Airport

Tia: This is the best sundae I've ever had.
Jerry: Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom-- y'see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream.
Tia: I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing.
Jerry: Thank you...

But You Are In The Shackles!

I saw an interesting sight in the hallway yesterday here at the corporate behemoth (UPMC, that is). There was a guy in an orange jumpsuit, in shackles, being escorted by several armed prison guards in the direction of the Falk Medical Clinic. Anyway, I was tempted to torment him with my TIME magazine, but I chickened out.

Episode 52 - The Airport

Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Umm... No.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...
George: But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is!

Sometimes I Wonder About Myself

We saw an excellent production of Romeo and Juliet by the Pittsburgh Ballet Theater yesterday. However, my mind kept wandering throughout the performance, as I was distracted by the following Seinfeld reference:

Episode 13 - The Heart Attack

George's doctor and Elaine are having a flirtatious discussion regarding tonsils:

ELAINE: I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
DOCTOR: That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsilled people.
JERRY: (Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

George Costanza for Treasury Secretary

Excerpted from http://theamericanscene.com/2009/02/10/the-costanza-hoover-principle

"The strongest argument for the stimulus (and the one that I think, in their heart-of-hearts, most supporters actually hold) is what could be called the Costanza-Hoover Principle: do the opposite of whatever Herbert Hoover did. In a world of limited knowledge, this isn’t as crazy as it might seem, at least as a starting point. It sure seems like Hoover screwed up; and hopefully we can avoid his mistakes. This pretty much boils down to: avoid a tariff war; don’t try to balance the budget right now; don’t restrict the money supply (that gold standard thing is right out); and, most importantly, prevent a collapse of the banking system."

Episode 86 - The Opposite

Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!

Hey, it worked for George Costanza, so why not the global economy?

Seinfeld Saves Lives

I was in the Fort lauderdale airport waiting for my flight to depart when I heard this guy yelling "Is there a doctor available?" It turns out that one of the workers in a snack shop had passed out. So I mosey over to the scene along with a couple of other physicians and the only advice we could offer was straight out of Seinfeld:

Episode 143 - The Abstinence

Elaine is dining at Monk's with her intern boyfriend Ben when she runs into her old nemesis from high school, Sue Ellen Mischke.

Woman: Carlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?
Elaine: Well, there's a doctor right here.
Ben: No there's not.
Elaine: Can't you at least tell him what to do?
Ben: Like what?
Sue Ellen: Shouldn't he elevate his legs?
Ben: Right. Elevate your legs!

Cookie Deprivation

Took a brief trip to Florida, where I experienced Seinfeld moments too numerous to count. Since there are no non-stop flights from Pittsburgh to South Florida anymore, I had to take 4 flights altogether. Naturally, being the cheapskate that I am, I chose to fly Coach, and on each flight I had the urge to stand up and echo Elaine's impassioned speech about the fat cats flying first class:

Episode 52 - The Airport

Elaine has just been caught sneaking into first class.

Attendant: [Checks her list] You're going to have to go back to coach.
Elaine: No, but there was nobody sitting here...
Attendant: Yes, but you're still not allowed. These seats are very expensive.
Elaine: Oh, no, please, don't send me back there. Please, I'll do anything. It's so nice up here. It's so comfortable up here. I don't want to go back there. Please don't send me back there...
[She notices another attendant offering goods]
Oh, you have cookies!
Attendant: You're going to have to go back to your seat!
Elaine: Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society without classes!
[She goes through the curtain back to coach and addresses her fellow passengers]
Do you realize that the people up here are getting cookies!

Hello, Senator Newman

The following link provides a fascinating history of the oath of office for incoming United States Senators.

http://www.senate.gov/artandhistory/history/common/briefing/Oath_Office.htm

However, rumors are rampant that the oath will be altered for the first time in over a century at the swearing in of our newest Senator, Bonnie Newman, R-New Hampshire (see title of this post for the revised oath).

Senator Newman's family has a long history of public service. A distant cousin of the new Senator evidently had a long, albeit undistinguished career at the United States Postal Service.

Episode 88 - The Big Salad

Elaine & Jerry are discussing Newman

Elaine: Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
Elaine: He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

Homeric Shrinkage

From the Carbolic Smoke Ball:

http://carbolicsmoke.com/2009/02/02/from-the-archives-of-carbolic-s...

Episode 85 - The Hamptons

Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left.

(Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)

Rachel: (She screams) Oh my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. I'm really sorry. (She exits)

George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

The Difference Between Pittsburgh and Manhattan

I went to a bakery this morning but I didn't notice the little machine that gives you a ticket. Then while I'm waiting in line, I noticed that the people in back of me all had tickets. Well, the lady in back of me must have heard me swearing, whereupon she said, "you were here before me, take my ticket."

Contrast this to the following exchange:

Episode 77 - The Dinner Party

Elaine and Jerry run into Barbara at the bakery - all of them are invited to the same dinner party.

ELAINE: Oh, we forgot to pick a number.
JERRY: You see that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people.
ELAINE: You think I should go ask her for hers?
JERRY: No, forget it.
ELAINE: No, no it's not fair. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were here and we were ahead of them, and them, and her. Come on let's just go ask them. Come on. . . . Excuse me. We were here ahead of you.
BARBARA: How do I know that?
JERRY: Well we saw you come in.
BARBARA: Well, that's easy for you to say.
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, right, that's something I do all the time, right. I make up stories to get ahead in line at bakeries. You know we were here ahead of you.
BARBARA: You're NOT getting my number.
JERRY: Oh so you still don't believe us.
CLERK: 47!
BARBARA: Us.
ELAINE: Oh, oh, fine, go ahead. But listen. Let me tell you something. As soon as I get there, I'm going to tell everyone what a jerk you are.
BARBARA: Well, I'll be there ahead of you and I'LL be telling them what a jerk YOU are. . . . I'll have the chocolate Bobka.
CLERK: You're lucky Mrs. Benedict. It's our last one.

Bookman's Revenge

Please refer to the following link for today's Seinfeld moment:

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20090124/NEWS10/901240334/-1/archive

Word has it that the extreme measures taken in this particular case were taken only after extensive consultation with a Mr. Bookman, who evidently was brought out of retirement to advise on this matter.

Episode 180 - The Finale, Part 2

[Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]
Hoyt: State your name.
Bookman: Bookman, Joe Bookman.
Hoyt: And what's your occupation?
Bookman: I'm a library cop.
Hoyt: What does a library cop do?
Bookman: We chase down library delinquents.
Hoyt: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?
Bookman: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.
Hoyt: How long was his book overdue?
Bookman: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
Hoyt: What do you call them?
Bookman: Criminals.

Life Imitates Seinfeld

Every week I get takeout from an Italian restaurant near my residence and every week I go through the same exercise with the cashier - making sure he sees that I am depositing a generous tip in the tip jar. I, like George, have learned that the timing of the tip drop is absolutely critical.

Episode 130 - The Calzone

George : So let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't notice it what's the point .
Jerry : So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind .
George : Not bills .

Peruvian Real Estate

There's a new Peruvian chicken place across the street from my place of employment. I highly recommend the Peruvian fried rice. The owner is justifiably quite proud of his new eatery. However, whenever I eat there I get this irresistable urge to ask him if the following Seinfeld assertion is actually true.

Episode 130 - The Calzone

Kramer : You got cigars , huh .
Jerry : I got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell !
Kramer : Oh yeah baby. What are these ? " Perducto de Peru "! Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming .
Jerry : Peru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks !

Major Shrinkage

Today's Seinfeld moment is brought to you by the funniest fake news website on the planet, the Carbolic Smoke Ball:

http://carbolicsmoke.com/2009/01/16/us-airways-plane-hits-iceberg-sinks/#more-3634

Episode 85 - The Hamptons

George: How do women know about shrinkage?
(They see Elaine walking down the hall)
George and Jerry: Elaine! Get over here!
(She enters)
George and Jerry: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?
George: No.
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

Car Previously Owned by Orthodontist Brock Obama

http://www.nypost.com/seven/12122008/news/nationalnews/os_100g_car_on_ebay_143835.htm

Please click on above link in order to understand today's Seinfeld moment. What the article does not disclose is that the ebay listing of Obama's car was placed by one George Costanza (the Tim O'Boyle mentioned in the article is a pseudonym). Mr. Costanza had previously listed a car on ebay owned by periodontist John Voight using yet another pseudonym (Arthur Vandelay). However, the listing had to be retracted when the vehicle was destroyed in a fire.

Episode 94 - The Mom & Pop Store

Opening scene - George looking at cars at a used car lot, checking out an '89 Volvo.

CAR SALESMAN: George, are you sure I can't show you any other cars?
GEORGE: I don't think so, Vic. I've done my homework. '89 Volvo, that's the car for me, it's the one I want.
SALESMAN: I got a LeBaron convertible right here.
GEORGE (chuckles): N.I. - Not interested.
SALESMAN: It's got a few more miles on it, but the previous owner was John Voight.
GEORGE (suddenly interested): Jon Voight?

Delicate Genius

Took my wife to Physical Therapy today and I swear to God that the office looked exactly like the one in the following Seinfeld episode. I hope their cancellation policy is not quite as strict.

Episode 103 - The Kiss Hello

[ProFitness Physical Therapy Center]
George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist and lower arm, clearly much more comfortable.
GEORGE: You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)
RECEPTIONIST: (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.
GEORGE: (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There you go.
George heads for the door. The receptionist looks at George's cheque and finds it's not up to scratch.
RECEPTIONIST: Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.
GEORGE: What for?
RECEPTIONIST: Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice for all cancellations".
GEORGE: (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to the chiropodist.
Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.
WENDY: What's the problem?
GEORGE: (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
WENDY: Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.
Wendy walks out, into another room.
GEORGE: (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy! (to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy!
George heads for the door.
RECEPTIONIST: So. Will you be here tomorrow?
GEORGE: Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!
George leaves, slamming the door behind him.

Homage to Mel Brooks

Sometimes I will have Mel Brooks moments as opposed to Seinfeld moments. This is an example:

These are direct quotes from President-Elect Obama's speech on the economy yesterday.

"The result has been a devastating loss of trust and confidence in our economy, our financial markets, and our government." .........
"That's why we need to act boldly and act now to reverse these cycles."

When I heard those lines, it reminded me of Reverend Johnson's sermon to the Rock Ridge congregation in Blazing Saddles. Please note, however, that Obama left out the Reverend's last sentence - I think he's saving it for his Inaugural Address

Reverend Johnson: "Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving."

One Name I'll Never Forget

For today's Seinfeld moment I have to thank one of my patients, a lovely elderly lady whose first name happens to be Dolores. I found myself repeating her name over and over while I was taking her history, perhaps to demonstrate to her that I would never be accused of forgetting her name. It went something like this:

Episode 135 - The Foundation

[Jerry sees someone he knows.]

Jerry: Oh God.
George: What?
Jerry: It's Dolores.
George: Who?
Jerry: Mulva.
[Dolores notices Jerry.]
Dolores: Jerry, hi.
Jerry: Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?
George: Dolores!
Dolores: Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.
Jerry: Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores.
Dolores: Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya.
Jerry: See ya.
George: Bye, Dolores.

My Own Golden Boy

Like Jerry, I seem to have an abnormal obsession with old T-shirts. I am particularly attached to my T-shirt from the first Pedal Pittsburgh event I participated in from 2005. It's gotten so worn out that I had to sew up the holes it was developing in the axillary area (armpits for those not in the medical profession). As I was putting it on today it occurred to me that I should give it a name before it meets its maker.

Episode 78 - The Marine Biologist

(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine, who is on the phone)

Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirt, six years I've had this T-shirt, it's my best one, I call him...Golden Boy
Elaine: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here, touch Golden Boy!
Elaine: No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But see, look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
Jerry: No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!

(Elaine is suddenly excited)

Elaine: (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: The guy in the gulag!
Elaine: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday in a limousine!
Jerry: You wanna borrow Golden Boy!

I think I'll call my Pedal Pittsburgh T-shirt Iron Man! The name has the Pittsburgh industrial connection and it's a direct quote from the above exchange in The Marine Biologist! Now I'm excited! (Pardon all the exclamation points.)